The 'If You Call Me' meme
Mar. 12th, 2004 09:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
peteryoung
If you call me 'Smiler' you're the little old lady who ran the newsagents next to my house in 1963.
If you call me "Mark, ...er, Simon, ...er, Peter" you're my mother who always gets my and my brothers' names mixed up.
If you call me "Son..." you're either my real Old Man, or else some patronising old git who still thinks he can get away with being paternal to someone on the wrong side of 40.
If you call me Ashley (my middle name) you're an old classmate (I use the term loosely) who thought it was hilariously funny to use it as an insult.
If you call me Artpants you were in my first year at Art College.
If you call me Pachuco you're a cool Polish bass player I once wrote a couple of weird jazz-rock tunes with.
If you call me "Oi!!", "Hey!!" or "Yo!!" you're a lowlife, shellsuit-wearing pisshead on a plane and you can be dead certain I'll ignore you ’til you speak to me politely.
If you call me 'Mr. Peter', you must be a Kenyan student who I know personally.
If you call me 'Father Peter' (very uneasy about that one), you must be a Sowetan student who I know personally.
If you call me 'Dear Blessed Young', you're probably a widowed Kenyan farmer from Kakamega or Kibwezi, writing a letter expecting instant educational sponsorship for your fifteen children and ten grandchildren who you are single-handedly struggling to feed and educate (and who, you advise me, I all personally met the last time my express train breezed through your village), and though you may have given me your bank account number for "instant deposit of necessary funds" (ie. beer money) you, um, forgot to include the names of your children.
If you call me "Friend,..." in your e-mail subject line you're most definitely a spammer and we're all coming for you, you worthless piece of garbage.
If you call me 6***** you're my employer who considers me a cost they might need to cut.
If you call me Mr. Young you're a telemarketer and you can piss off.
If you call me Tickly Pete you're Kaya, the lovely granddaughter of Stewart Copeland (drummer with The Police).
If you call me Chum then you're also on 'fictionmags'.
If you call me the Zookeeper then you just might read my fanzine.
If you call me 'flyingsauce' you're an LJer, and cool with it. Having said that, I might soon change the name of my LJ... getting a little tired of this one.
If you call me That Miserable Bastard From Across The Street you must be the kid I told several times not to park your souped-up Ford Fucking Fiesta in my fucking drive, for chrissakes, unless you ask me first. Got that??
And if you call me Trigger I'll call you Dave.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-12 01:40 pm (UTC)[mwah]
no subject
Date: 2004-03-12 01:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-12 01:47 pm (UTC)[blushes]